


End of an Era

by QuasarScorpion



Series: Of Love and Loss [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A small amount of comfort, Acceptance, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Anxiety Attacks, Boys Kissing, Brothers, Character Death, Comfort, Coping, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Loneliness, M/M, Mentioned Miya Osamu, Moving On, Panic Attacks, Sad Miya Atsumu, The Miya Twins - Freeform, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:42:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27378919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuasarScorpion/pseuds/QuasarScorpion
Summary: Atsumu couldn’t open his eyes. What was the point? He’d felt it.His mother held his hand. His father stared out the window without moving for what seemed like days.He’d cried so much he didn’t have anything left. No matter how many times they told him it was impossible— They didn’t understand. No one could.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Miya Osamu, Miya Atsumu & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Of Love and Loss [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035825
Comments: 19
Kudos: 107





	End of an Era

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alittlemayhem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlemayhem/gifts).



> Let me start with I AM SORRY.  
> This started innocently. I promise... that is however not how it ended. Tissues. I recommend you grab tissues if you are in any  
> way emotionally attached to these beauties. 
> 
> Haikyuu!! Angst Week 2020 rolls on. Day 3&4 prompts found themselves wrapped up in each other in this fic.  
> Day 3: Photographs, Defeat, "I can't lose you too/this too."  
> Day 4: Broken Promises, Illness/Death, "I wish this never happened."
> 
> We can cry together. I promise. 
> 
> If you feel the need to blame someone May and Nia are to blame. Specifically, May because she loves the taste of angst in the morning. It's why I gifted it to her.

_Beep. Beep. Be-ep. Be-e-ep. B—_

Atsumu couldn’t open his eyes. What was the point? _He’d felt it._

His mother held his hand. His father stared out the window without moving for what seemed like days.

He’d cried so much he didn’t have anything left. No matter how many times they told him it was impossible— They didn’t understand. No one could. They didn’t have a twin. They didn’t have someone who was built into their life. Someone who was biologically the same as them. Someone who they’d shared everything with since conception. Someone they’d been with every step of the way, through every up and down. How could they? No. Who were they to tell him it was impossible?

_He’d felt it._

He’d felt that millisecond where his brother tried to hold on. _He’d felt it._ There had been fear, regret, sadness, and oh so much pain. On both sides, not only from his brother. The second they pulled Atsumu’s hands away from his twin. The minute they’d pulled Osamu from his arms. He might as well have died. Maybe he should’ve.

 _He’d felt it._ That last beat of his brother’s heart against his hand. He'd felt that final beat, even though his brother hadn’t been in front of him when it happened. _He’d felt it._ Osamu struggling for air, choking on blood, begging for death, _he’d felt it. He’d felt it all._ No matter how many times those fucking doctors insisted he couldn’t have known when his brother had passed on, Atsumu held his tongue. He’d known. Atsumu had known. _He’d felt it._ The moment his twin had left him forever severed something so fundamentally important to his existence that he thought his own heart had stopped.

 _He’d felt it._ That feeling was something he was going to have to live with forever. How did anyone expect him to move on? How could he?

There was something else. It wasn’t something he was ready to confront. This one he couldn’t feel. This one required him to actually look. To actually check in, and he didn’t know if he had the strength to do so. Atsumu honestly didn’t know if he could. He was already a broken man. His mind constantly screamed for answers. What had he ever done to deserve this?

He couldn’t lay here anymore. Seeing his mother cry into his sheets holding onto him with a death grip was too much. There was no way he could understand her pain. In the same way she couldn’t understand his. Her muttering, “Atsumu, I can’t lose you too,” whenever she fell asleep in the chair next to his hospital bed was suffocating him. He’d insisted on numerous occasions that his parents leave. That they go home and prepare whatever needed to be prepared for Osamu. He insisted he’d be okay. They still wouldn’t leave. He loved them, but he wanted to suffer. He needed to drown in this. His heart, body, and soul felt empty as his mind raced around him.

_How was this fair? Why hadn’t he died instead? Why his brother? Osamu was the better twin. He was nicer and widely liked, he had healthier relationships and businesses. Why had the universe… had whichever cruel deity… had the gods taken his brother away?_

Atsumu was an utter disaster. He didn’t feel depressed, or maybe he did. That had been his brother’s illness, not his.

This destroyed him to the point that he felt non-existent.

Why did he deserve to live? He’d been with so many people. Fucked around with countless of his colleagues’ significant others and partook in his fair share of illegal substances. Who decided it was him that got to continue his life?

Whereas— Osamu was a truly good soul. He admired his brother. His brother followed his dreams. Osamu had been diligent when he created goals. He always followed a plan to obtain them. His brother had fallen in love and finally bought the ring because he had worked up the nerve to propose. His twin had planned to propose the following week. Osamu was making a life for himself.

_How was this fair? He could hear his brother reply, “Life isn’t fair dickhead.”_

He looked around for that soothing, smug voice. The immediate sobriety he felt when his mind cleared shocked him to his core, and he was reminded that Osamu was gone. Atsumu was stuck. He was alone.

_How would he move on? How could he? Why hadn’t they taken him instead?_

His mother whimpered in her sleep for Osamu. His father had decided he needed a walk.

This was his opportunity.

To an extent, he finally had a moment to himself. They’d stopped doping him up so heavily, which allowed him to actually think. Maybe he wished he couldn’t; his emotions were shot and parts of his body were numb.

_Okay. You can do it, Atsumu. It’s just a sheet. Nothing to worry about. Okay. Okay, you’ve got this. Go._

He hesitated. His grip tightened in the coarse fabric. Hospital sheets didn’t comfort. They didn’t hold heat. All they were currently doing for Atsumu was hiding the truth of his future from him. _Go! Damn it. Maybe if I count down._

_Three._

His upper body tensed.

_Two._

His teeth gritted, and his breathing picked up.

_One._

He felt like he was going to throw up.

_G—_

There was a knock on the door to his suite.

“Can I come in?”

Maybe now hadn’t been his time. Atsumu would try again later.

“Yes, come on in, Omi-kun,” Atsumu sighed. He was relieved to put off the execution of his future for a while longer. As soon as he knew... he’d be different. He squeezed his mother’s hand that was resting on his mattress. “Mom. Hey.”

“What’s going on?” She jumped awake, eyes wide.

“Oh, nothing to worry about,” Atsumu said. “Can you give Sakusa and I a few minutes alone?”

His mother nodded at the masked man standing at the foot of his bed. Before leaving, she placed her hand on Atsumu’s face and kissed his forehead. “I’ll be back sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Mom,” he squeezed his mother’s hand. She lingered only a second before leaving.

“That was adorable,” Sakusa smirked, “ _Sweetheart._ ”

Atsumu rolled his eyes. He knew that Sakusa was joking with him to lighten the mood. However, the weight of the last four days – only three of which he’d been properly awake for – had stolen everything, he didn’t have it in himself to return the quip.

“Rain check on the banter,” Atsumu asked, eyes trained on the section of blanket gripped tight in his hands.

“I came to give you this basket of sweets and these flowers from our teammates.” Sakusa stepped closer to the bed setting the gifts down. "Hinata and Bokuto send their love. They got on a flight as soon as they heard. They'll be here soon."

“Thanks.” Atsumu muttered, not looking up. He'd barely even heard him.

“Are you in physical pain?” Sakusa inquired. “You’re white-knuckling that sheet.”

“No, ‘m fine,” he lied.

“Doubt that. But I’ll leave it,” Sakusa sighed. “Did they tell you when you could leave?”

Atsumu shook his head. “They haven’t even disclosed what’s wrong with me yet. I know I’m missing aspects from that night, and I don’t remember anything about coming to the hospital or my first twenty-four hours here.”

“Do you want to know?”

“Know what?” he snapped his head up to make eye contact with Sakusa.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“How would yo—” Atsumu watched as Sakusa walked over to the door, reached around the frame, and grabbed his chart from the hallway. “You can read that?”

Sakusa chuckled. “Yeah. I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals and doctor’s offices.” Atsumu watched as he waved the chart in front of him.

“Yes, tell me.” Atsumu said quickly so he couldn’t change his mind.

“Don’t sue me if you get news you don’t like.” Sakusa shook his head in silent laughter.

“Please tell me. I’m— I need to know.” Atsumu rasped.

Sakusa flipped through the pages, reading over a few lines and double checking the doctor notes at the bottom of each page. A genuine smile cracked across his face. “You’ll still be able to play volleyball after a period of recovery.”

“Holy fuck,” Atsumu forced out in a rush of air. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath.

“Basically, you had some minor internal bleeding. They did have to perform a simple surgery to close one of the bleeding points. You also seem to have dislocated your shoulder,” Sakusa looked him over. “Obviously they fixed that. You also— it’s hard to read, sorry, I think it says you bruised parts of your femur and tibia. I’d double check that. It also says you partially tore a muscle in your leg.”

Atsumu was lighter than he’d been. At least he knew he hadn’t lost the one thing that he was going to need to get through this period of anguish. Though the thought of volleyball without his brother cheering him on weighed heavy on his heart.

Sakusa grabbed his hand and squeezed. “Hey, I know we haven’t talked about living together,” his grip tightened on Atsumu’s hand. “However, they’ll only release you into someone’s care. I cleaned up and made space for you, just in case you’d prefer to stay with me instead of your parents.”

They hadn’t discussed it. Not even in the slightest. They were barely even official. They’d only recently stopped hooking up with other people. However, being trapped with his parents was bound to drive him into a darker place. He considered it. Did he see a proper future with Sakusa? He thought he might. Did he adore this man? He really did. He’d been one of the few people to reach out multiple times. Even calling to just talk about random shit after the accident. He had woken up to fourteen voicemails talking about nothing in particular. He never pressured Atsumu to talk about it. All he’d said was how, “he could never understand what he was going through” and offered to hold Atsumu while he cried.

That first day had been terrible. If Sakusa hadn’t been there… Hadn’t let him cry without words… If he hadn’t promised to return each day during visiting hours… If Sakusa hadn’t followed through on that promise… Atsumu genuinely wasn’t sure he’d still be alive.

“I’d like that,” Atsumu smiled as best he could.

Sakusa held his hand as they discussed what living together would consist of. By the time his boyfriend left, he had renewed faith that everything would be okay. That day, his parents finally decided to leave the hospital so they could plan his brother’s funeral. They needed to do it sooner rather than later if they wanted an open casket.

Atsumu didn’t.

He didn’t want to look down at the lifeless body of his twin. Osamu was gone, and – right now – he needed to accept that. Atsumu would be discharged in the morning, and he’d only have three days to come to terms with his new reality. To come to terms with his brother being on display for onlookers. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing all those people.

If he could, he’d disappear. Everyone needed to leave him alone. He didn’t need fans bothering him, fake ass family members who barely spoke to them giving their apologies, or _friends_ who hadn’t bothered to reach out.

Atsumu didn’t remember getting dressed. He didn’t remember putting his shoes on. How he’d even made it to the church was beyond him. He supposes Sakusa got him there. He’d have to thank him later.

He remembered the moment he’d fallen asleep the night before. The silence had been filled with tears while he struggled to let go of his boyfriend. He’d felt like he was suffocating. As if a noose was tightening around his neck… or maybe that had been a dream.

Atsumu wasn’t clear on any of his memories from the last twenty-four hours. He’d woken up around three a.m. with a scream and flipped the blankets off. He’d almost punched Sakusa in the face. Luckily, his boyfriend had quick reflexes because he grabbed Atsumu’s wrists before any damage could be done. He couldn’t breathe and his lungs constricted, cutting off all oxygen to his brain.

There was a serene feeling in the middle of the panic attack where he’d made peace with dying. It didn’t last long, clearing as Sakusa talked him down from his ledge. They laid there, together in the darkness for a while longer while he calmed down. The only sounds filling the night were those of his strangled breathing and of Sakusa talking about nonsense. It helped him get a few more hours of sleep after that. He’d have to thank him later.

Orchestral music played and people stood as they sang a bunch of music that his brother would’ve despised. Bile rose in his throat the longer he stood there. If Atsumu didn’t leave, he was going to throw up. Talk about disrespectful to his brother. Though up against those music numbers, he figured Osamu would have at least enjoyed his retreat from the large room.

That was the shitty thing about siblings, it was hard to realize that their jokes, argument instigation, and demeanor were all out of love even when it didn't feel like it. He missed it all. He longed for one more insult from Osamu. More than anything, he wished his last words hadn’t been part of an argument.

This funeral wasn’t for Osamu. It never had been. It had been for his mother to prove a point. To prove unity, to prove they were okay – which was utter bullshit. Atsumu was falling apart… cracking at the seams. Curse his leg, because he couldn’t sprint away. On unsteady legs, he hobbled out of the room and away from Osamu.

Nobody followed behind him as he retreated. The goal had been to make it outside, but he failed.

An uncontrollable ache forced its way through his heart. One of his hands gripped the front of his button up tight enough to pop the first three buttons. His heart was racing again. He couldn’t breathe. Instead, he fell against the wall with a thud.

With so much pressure on his cane and his hand over his heart, he couldn’t reach for his phone. His voice failed him as he started hyperventilating. All he wanted was to call out for Sakusa to help him. A particularly hard inhale had him stumbling backwards into the corner. At least he had more stability, giving him the opportunity to reach his phone.

Light from the screen was obvious through the blur of his tears, but he could read it. Atsumu couldn’t function. The lack of communication only intensified his emotions and sense of abandonment. The device dropped to the floor as his hands flew to his neck, trying to undo his tie.

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t—

His vision was closing in on him, his body shaking, and his organs felt like they were shutting down. Every part of his body was tense and on fire.

 _Fear._ Surrounded by fear, Atsumu finally succumbed to the sensations overwhelming his system. He knew he was shaking, but no matter how hard he willed himself, Atsumu couldn’t get it the fuck together.

A shout came from within the room, or maybe it had only been from within his mind. A firm set of hands grabbed his shoulders. Their muffled voice tried to break through, but the sound of his rushing blood filled his ears. Pressure left his shoulder, moving to the hand still on his own throat. The other hand pulled his hand from its death grip on his neck, instead placing it instead against something warm and soft. He spread his fingers out against its surface. That’s when he felt the heartbeat.

Atsumu squinted to clear his vision enough to see, but he couldn’t make out much more than their dark hair. _Sakusa. Thank the gods._ Sakusa had come to find him.

Atsumu tried to relax. He tried so hard to focus his attention on the beat of Sakusa’s heart and the rise of his chest under Atsumu’s hand. It took a few attempts in order for him to focus his senses. Only able to finally do it when Sakusa walked him through it.

When his breathing evened out, Atsumu dove into Sakusa’s embrace, burying himself in his boyfriend’s neck. The tears fell. Now that the dam had opened, he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop it. They stood there until Atsumu was finally able to stop shaking. Until he finally got his tears under control.

An usher informed them that the service had ended and that, if they wished to pay last respects, they’d need to head upstairs.

Sakusa wiped the residual tears from Atsumu’s cheeks with his thumbs, all the while maintaining soft eye contact. His boyfriend leaned in, kissing him softly. The push of their lips against one another was slow and comforting. Atsumu only felt love and companionship – something he desperately needed. When they separated, he kissed Sakusa’s palm, then lowered their hands. He interlocked their fingers, wanting to walk hand in hand with Sakusa until they reached Osamu. If Atsumu was expected to go alone, he didn’t think he’d actually make it.

They waited in a short line of people who wished to pay their respects. Atsumu needed to go last. When it was his turn, Sakusa squeezed his hand and nodded with a small upturn of his lips.

Atsumu steeled himself, taking two deep breaths as he walked over to Osamu. His twin was done up in a suit, and all he could think about was how much Osamu would hate that. There had never been a day when his brother didn’t prefer lounge wear or sports gear. Forever buried in a stuffy suit. Osamu’s ghost must be pissed.

“Sorry, bro, I had no say.” He chuckled, on the verge of tears. “Otherwise, you’d be forever forced to wear a pair of hot pink leggings. Obviously.” Atsumu pursed his lips, tensed his jaw, and nodded his head as he kept the tears at bay. But he needed speak. Atsumu had things he needed Osamu to know. There were things he needed to admit to. Things he needed to atone for, even if everyone else thought it was unnecessary.

His eyes fell closed as he began. “I wish this had never happened to you, Osamu.”

Atsumu stuck his hand into the coffin to stroke his thumb against his brother’s cheek. It was stiff. It felt cold. It was unnatural.

He had to remember this was no longer his brother.

“If I hadn’t broken that promise, you wouldn’t have left. You would still be here with me. When I followed you and forced my way into your car to continue our argument… I couldn’t have known what would happen.” Tears streamed down his face; a few soaked into the fabric of Osamu’s lapels. “I’d give anything to trade places with you. You deserved a better twin... I hope you know you were the best brother I could’ve been blessed with.”

Atsumu moved the folded jersey from under his arm, placing it neatly on his brother’s chest. He lifted Osamu’s arm to settle it on top of the fabric. “I followed my dreams just like you did, Osamu.” A choked sob bubbled out of his throat. “Somehow, I got lost along the way, always feeling less than worthy in your shadow. I still have no clue if I can do any of this without you. What good is the legend of the Miya twins if there's only one?” He chuckled darkly, tears threatening to spill over.

Sakusa’s hand landed on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Atsumu swallowed hard, clearing the painful lump from his throat.

“I love you, Osamu. I’ll see you again one day. Until then, I’m going to live in a way I hope you’d be proud of.” Atsumu looked over at Sakusa, the man he’d been in love with for a while. Probably longer than he’d like to admit. He’d been so afraid before. Then, the worst thing imaginable happened to him. The moment he’d felt his brother leave him, every other fear felt insignificant.

Their friends from their Inarizaki days carried the coffin to the permanent resting place Atsumu had chosen. His brother would forever be at rest underneath a Sakura tree with a tombstone of marble. Inset in the stone was a photograph of his brother from the opening reception that celebrated the expansion of his restaurant chain.

It stabbed through his heart.

Atsumu leaned into Sakusa’s hold. His leg was killing him, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his chest. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure his heart existed anymore.

Atsumu had no attention span. He was numb. People kept asking if he was fine. They’d tell him how sorry for his loss they were. They’d offer him goods. They’d pity him. They asked how they could help. They told him it would get better. They didn’t understand. They could never understand.

_He’d felt it._

He’d felt the moment Osamu’s heart stopped. It was a feeling of anguish and emptiness that would never disappear.

They didn’t understand. They could never understand. He wished he could yell in their faces and tell them to shut the fuck up. He wanted to burn the world to the ground, wanted to punch something, maybe go on a bender. He would do anything that would help him dull the pain. He needed to displace this... to displace himself.

“Hey,” Sakusa whispered from beside him. Atsumu looked up at him with glazed, hooded eyes. “Everyone has left. It’s just us here. Should we head home?”

He couldn’t fathom it. He couldn’t fathom leaving his twin.

He swallowed hard.

“Go warm up the car,” Atsumu said, trying to smile. “I’ll be there soon. I need to be alone with him.”

“Okay, call out if you need me,” Sakusa kissed him lightly. “You don’t need to pretend to be okay. It’s just me.” Dark eyes held his gaze. “I’ll be over there.” With a soft peck to his cheek, Sakusa left.

Atsumu collapsed immediately. His leg gave out. He didn’t even try to catch himself with his cane because if he died here… he wouldn’t care.

On his knees, he looked over his twin’s face. He was content with that being the photo they’d chosen of his brother. Osamu had been so happy.

Despair washed over him tenfold. This was so unfair. Maybe it was a dream, a terrible dream he’d wake up from. The pain in his knee clued him in that this was, in fact, real. A few tears fell from his eyes. He hadn’t been able to properly cry in days until last night. Atsumu thought he’d forgotten how, or maybe that he couldn’t anymore. At least it verified that he could still feel something, even if it was only subconsciously. 

His hand slid into his jacket, pulling out a frame from within. It was a photograph from an after party he’d hosted at his brother’s restaurant. All of those smiling faces looked like they were mocking him now. He didn’t even remember being this carefree. He couldn’t remember how it felt. The last two weeks had stolen every ounce of happiness from him, in an instant.

In the center of the photograph was Atsumu with his arm slung over Osamu’s shoulders and a fist raised above his head. He had no clue what had him yelling or why his tongue was sticking out, but his brother was looking up at him. Osamu was laughing. It was a beautiful sight. His brother’s expression was a rare candid laugh. This would remain his favorite photo. It didn’t matter that all of their friends were there or that it had been the night he’d finally gotten with Sakusa. Those were all insignificant when he looked back. The time he had spent with his brother had been the most important. It’d been the night Osamu had told him he had fallen in love. It was the night they’d promised each other to get their lives together. It was the night they’d made the promise that killed his brother. It was the happiest adult memory he shared with Osamu, tainted forever by a drunken pinky promise. It was only fitting that he left this photo behind as both an apology and as a token of love.

Atsumu set the frame against the headstone then struggled to stand. With his sleeve, he wiped the tears from his eyes and placed his right hand on top of the smooth stone. Without realizing it, he began tracing the indentations beneath his fingertips.

“I wish I had never broken that promise.” He cleared his throat, closing his eyes. The breeze began to blow through his hair. It felt like a soft caress. It felt as though nature was giving him a second chance. “Sakusa and I have finally spoken, by the way. You’d be so fucking proud. We decided to give this a proper go.” He smiled, looking over to where the ebony-haired man stood, waiting. “I’ve already lost you, Osamu. I can’t lose this too. Your death made me realize that. I promise to not let you down.”

With one more slow pass of his hand and a delicate placement of a white Calla Lilly in front of the frame, he finally let a bit of the hurt in his heart quell.

“I love you, Osamu. This isn’t goodbye.” Atsumu sighed as a tear rolled down his cheek. Similar to when he’d felt his brother leave him, – _he’d felt it –_ he felt the warmth as he started to accept that his brother was actually gone.

 _Yeah, he’d felt it._ No matter what anyone said, he’d felt it. The second Osamu’s heart stopped beating, Atsumu felt it because he felt like his heart had been torn from his chest. He’d felt it, and he’d never be able to forget it.

Atsumu wondered if Osamu had felt their connection too.

**Author's Note:**

> Painful, right? I was drinking coffee and thought let's write some sibling angst. My brother didn't answer the phone when I called today my brain immediately went "what if he died?" Apparently, everything you just read falls into that category. I love my brothers but all brothers are dickheads. If you can't actually strangle them do it in your writing... Or at least that's my advice. 
> 
> I'd also like to say Sakusa was almost killed but I couldn't do that to myself. So bless my weak blood pumping organ for its inability to handle that. Somehow I went from writing zero fics in the Haikyuu!! fandom to publishing two in 2 days. That's a wild turn around on my part. Apparently, creativity is flowing. I'd love to talk about it either in the comments or really anywhere. Come chat with me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/QuasarScorpion)
> 
> Much love and admiration. I think I might need to sleep this one off.


End file.
